Wanna Play Ball, Nashville Style?
If you aren’t following the Super Bowl, chances are you’ve been on the receiving end of one of these looks:
We know we’ll be catching the big game on Sunday (if you need to find something to do for Super Bowl Sunday, we highly suggest you check on the day’s events with Wannado). Whether you’re chowin’ down on hot wings at a friend’s house, needing to watch the game by yourself so you don’t embarrass yourself with the emotion you will experience during Katy Perry’s halftime performance, or you are spending a day at the spa to avoid all the hoopla, the pop culture explosion that is the Super Bowl is inescapable. Yeah, we’ll embrace the epic battle between the Seahawks and the Patriots, but we would be more avid supporters if the Super Bowl was a little more Nashville-themed. We can dream, can’t we? So here it is, y’all…our dream Nashville Super Bowl team:
The Head Coach
Mayor Karl Dean
Who better to lead our Nashville team to victory than the leader of Music City? Dean has been holding public office and makin’ all the hard decisions since 1990. Got a problem with the D-Line? Dean will Tim Gunn this thing and Make. It. Work. Not only that, but he would keep the team above reproach – his efforts on crime prevention are well-known, and it is unlikely there would be any Richard Sherman antics goin’ down on Dean’s watch. Plus, doesn’t this seem like a man who was born to wear a ball cap and a headset? Of course, he would be a good sport at the end of the game (that we are inevitably going to win) when the team gives him a Gatorade bath. He’s the mayor of the most laidback-cool city in the whole world…you know he’d shake it off.
HIS FOOTBALL NICKNAME:
Coach Karl. It’s no-nonsense, strong, and very Friday Night Lights. We approve.
He gets in a brief tiff with everyone’s favorite referee, Bob Fisher (president of Belmont). They agree to disagree and hug it out on the Jumbotron. #preciousmoments
The Defensive Line
Sassy Country Divas
Hell hath no fury like a country music starlet scorned. A good defensive line overflows with raw aggression. The kind of raw aggression that you find in a Taylor Swift ballad? YEAH, that kind. Instead of an elaborate team strategy, every member of the D-Line could be given earpieces that played “Before He Cheats”, “Dear John”, & “Jolene” on a loop. We’d give the opposition’s players nicknames like “Drew”, “Joe”, “Jake” – they wouldn’t stand a CHANCE. Our dream team would be the foot-stompin’, big-haired, I-am-woman-hear-me-roar Nashville ladies that we all love: Carrie Underwood, Taylor Swift, Kelly Clarkson, Sheryl Crow, Reba…the list goes on.
Carrie Underwood: “The Stomper” – because she would stomp the competition (figuratively, not literally – ain’t no country singers getting ejected from this game). Also because, if you’ve been to any of her concerts, you know she’s at her sassiest when she’s stomping out a beat in stiletto heels.
Taylor Swift – “Scrappy” – because yeah, it’s not like she’s the size of a Titans defensive end, but you know she’d pull some hair.
Kelly Clarkson – “The Intimidator” – We haven’t forgotten her American Idol roots. If she can stare down Simon Cowell, we bet she has a mad dog face that would strike fear in the opposing team’s hearts.
Sheryl Crow – “3 Crow” – Sharing a name with one of our favorite Nashville bars, Crow earns her name from her famous “1,2,3 punch”. She tackles you three times, you’re unable to go on. She soaked up all your sun. #sorrynotsorry
Reba – “Reba” – She needs no other name. She’s Reba, you guys.
After a particularly impressive play that resulted in a turn over, the D-Line breaks out in “Man, I Feel Like A Woman”. Because of the padding in their football uniforms, they’re able to really go all out with the choreography. The crowd goes wild.
The Cast Of Nashville
We need a hero. The quarterback has no easy task. One part wisdom, one part brute strength, one part leadership, all parts enviable shiny hair. Who better for the job than Nashville’s definitive girl crush, Connie Britton? Her face is like the sun. Her words are truth. If she can handle a hot alcoholic with a heart of gold givin’ her the tortured run-around AND constant shade from a really tiny country starlet with a ton of issues, we think she can handle a measly little Super Bowl win. The offensive line is ideally made up of protectors. Juliette Barnes, Dean, Gunner, Scarlett…they’re really good at protecting secrets. Tell Deacon that if they don’t score, everyone will (SPOILER ALERT) know about his illegitimate child. Set the stage for the game to be as dramatic as possible, and they’ll give it their all. Also, it’s just human instinct to protect Connie Britton, so you could put pretty much anyone on offense and they would fight to the death.
Much like Reba, Connie Britton has no time for your nicknames. She is Connie Britton. All the other players would go all method actor and call themselves by their character’s names.
After a successful touchdown by Connie, she gathers her team up in a huddle. They all stare at each other in silence with dramatic, meaningful looks that the crowd doesn’t understand.
Dave Barnes and Little Richard
Can you IMAGINE the manic energy that a Barnes/Richard combo would provide? We just found out one of Nashville’s best kept secrets – according to The Huffington Post, the king of shiny outfits, pencil-thin mustaches, and really awesome crazy eyes (Little Richard) lives on the top floor of the Hilton Hotel in Downtown Nashville across from The Country Music Hall Of Fame. With the knowledge of Little Richard’s affinity for our favorite city, how could we NOT choose him to give us a football play-by-play? Imagine the high-pitched “woo”s. And who better to be his partner in crime than the ever-enthusiastic, quippy singer-songwriter Dave Barnes? There are very few Nashvillians who could hold court with the life force that is Little Richard, but we think Barnes would be up for it. Following Dave’s Dolly Parton metal band (the details of which can be found in our interview with him), they could form a dubstep duo called “Lil’ Lies” & turn “Good Golly Miss Molly” into a educational rap about staying away from party drugs. The start of a beautiful friendship, and an entertaining commentary to Nashville’s big game.
As a duo, they’d be called Dave and Lil (like the character on Rugrats). When referred to individually, they use their full names.
Connie Britton, in a rare moment of imperfection, throws an interception. Barnes and Richard break into a gripping commentary that turns into a skit (complete with impressions/voices) about what Coach Taylor would have to say about it.
Frothy Monkey Cheerleaders, Justin Timberlake Halftime, Santa of Santa’s Pub
Well first off, the cheerleading section is a given. Have you ever seen any group of people as enthusiastic and peppy as the staff at everyone’s favorite coffee shop? The Frothy Monkey crew usually has to get to the shop at 6AM. If that were us, we would find it hard to muster up a smile and a pastry suggestion for the duration of our shift. That’s never the case for the FM baristas, though. Thus, they would make the PERFECT cheerleading squad (and probably give out free coffee). For the halftime entertainment, we are jumping a little bit ahead…everyone says Justin Timberlake is looking to settle down in Music City, but we’re proceeding as if he were already a true Nashvillian. He would be the halftime entertainment of course (no Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction to be found). JT would keep it family friendly, even inviting a chorus of Belmont students to perform a rousing rendition of “Mirrors”, with a Nashville montage in the background. And then finally, Santa (the famous owner of our favorite karaoke bar/watering hole, Santa’s Pub) would be the unofficial mascot/waterboy, but instead of handing out water he would hand out free beer (sorry, Lennon & Maisy, no adult refreshments for you).
Justin Timberlake changes his band from “JT & The Tennessee Kids” to “JT & The Belmont Kids”. From here to anywhere, y’all.
Justin Timberlake and the Belmont women’s choir finish up Mirrors with an inspiring crescendo. Fireworks go off, and the Frothy Monkey cheer squad pulls off a killer basket toss that is timed with the last note of the song. Santa hands Justin a post-performance beer. All is Nashville. All is right.
So there you have it, Nashville. We may not be in the Super Bowl this year, but we firmly believe every sporting event would be infinitely better with a little more of the Music City vibe. Kick back this Sunday and watch the real thing – venture out to find a Super Bowl shindig with Wannado! When it comes to Nashville, we’ve got you covered.